as usual, i know i'm right

i refuse to believe that i will go through this life without someone who adores me. and who i can love. i don't believe it and i won't believe it. there is someone in this world for me. there is someone in this state for me. in some ways, i try to convince myself that there is someone in this city-this suburb-for me. i was thinking tonight, sitting at the bar: why i am here alone? i love to go out. love to be in the crowd. i am cute. i am so funny, witty and let's be real here: i am so smart. men love smart. i was not meant to spend the rest of this life on my own just because i chose to marry a shithead. there is anotnement. i will not have to pay for this divorce with life-long singleness. that is not how is meant to be. i know that. there is someone for me.

but for now, i can't find any reason to substantiate these beliefs. i am lonely. as much i enjoy alone-ness. lately, i have been lonely. and it's not about sex. it's not about just having someone there anymore. it's about really wanting someone THERE for me. someone who just likes to be around. like a super-friend. my uber-friend. and i know i'm right.

god i feel pathetic. looking in on this, i see how ridulous it's been to watch. everything i have never been in my life, was suddenly the central definition of my choices and behavior. and the worst part is: i love this life. it is so enticing. so easily forgotten, forgiven, rationalized. but lately i have tried to remember the me i used to be. way before tony, before sean, even before the heartbreak that was my own daddy. i understood conviction of the soul. i understood choices being made just because it was the right choice to make. but you know, i had never also had the balls to venture out of the zone and break the rules, make the wrong choice. but now i have. i get it now. god protected me with safety through all of these bad choices. and like a parent, he's hoping the best for me, expecting the worst and all the while resting in the comfort that he knows i have what it takes to figure this out. and i am. but it's a slow progress.